December 1st, 2017

A dear friend just lost her mother this week. I lost mine in early December five years ago. It’s odd. As I get older, I find more and more difficult memories accruing around the Thanksgiving to New Year’s time frame. Or maybe the ones that happen in this time frame just hurt a little bit more.

I’ve never really gotten over the death of my mother. I don’t think I ever will. I’ve learned to live with it, to remember her daily, but “getting over it” is not something I anticipate ever happening.

December also marks five years and four months estrangement from my sons, and their children. I don’t know why they think I deserve to be ostracized like this, but they do, for some unknown reasons. But what I most regret is not being able to see three of my grandchildren grow up, to participate in their lives, to get to know them, talk to them, to try to be there for them. That, however, has been denied to me.

I suppose, while I am aware of that every single day, it stings a bit more at this time of year, when families would otherwise be planning to get together, to spend time together, to laugh, enjoy one another’s company, eat, and tell stories together. I was never much for games, especially loud boisterous games, because of my hearing loss, but I do miss being able to sit and chat with people, to share experiences, and to listen to those children.

I hope, somehow, someday, that those three grandchildren realize that I was not the one who walked out on them, but that their parents pushed me away, closed the door, and locked it, with me on the outside looking in. I hope they don’t hold that against me, because it was not my choice, but that of their parents.

And so, at this time of year, when I consider other losses, this is one set of losses that I hope someday might be reversed, that I can do more than just wish Happy Holidays from afar, that I can share this time of year with three beautiful young lives.

If I can make just one wish this holiday season, it would be for families to not turn away someone who loves them. I don’t expect it to ever happen, but I can wish, can’t I?

Happy Holidays, everyone. May the season be joyous and full for you and yours, wherever you are.

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2 thoughts on “December 1st, 2017

  1. *
    Cara:

    ‘Sookl Sanr Wanm Khith Maatf’ – ‘Merry Christmas’ in Thai.

    I share with you your holiday wish of family re-unification.

    My last ‘family’ gathering at this time of year was Christmas Eve 1979.

    Many of us also share that pain of estrangement.

    Both my parents are long-deceased.

    My lone sister rarely initiates correspondences to me. She has replied to my letters that she mentions little of my existence to her two children who are both nearing age 30. Of what meager words that she tells them, she tells them that I am a hate-filled person.

    I have repeatedly asked my sister to request them to exchange correspondences directly with me and, if they find me so repulsive, then they as adults can make up their own minds.

    So yes, from this corner, we share that pain.

    On the other hand, it seems that the more my sister and her family retreat from my active life, the more does her existence fade. Sometimes months pass – one duration lasted nearly eight years – when I heard nothing from her and my thoughts of her sink to their least.

    Maybe the concept that hurts the worst is when someone whom we love feels so little of us in return and they hold no concern that they are the ones who take themselves out of our lives.

    *

    • Maybe the concept that hurts the worst is when someone whom we love feels so little of us in return and they hold no concern that they are the ones who take themselves out of our lives.

      Wise words, Sharon. That’s pretty much how it is, but we have to adapt and move on. It’s all that we can do.

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