Archive | July 2012

AMA Facts and Data on Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Here is a link to an American Medical Association presentation from January 2011 that provides incredible statistical and biological data that demonstrates that gender identity and sexual orientation are very largely formed from nature, not nurture, and that further, attempts to change either of the above are highly likely to fail.

The presentation is about an hour long. It’s filled with the latest data on hormones, biology, fetal development, and brain structure. It provides an excellent theoretical basis that explains why homosexuals are as they are, as well as why transsexuals are as they are.

People who deliberately ignore this sort of data are the equivalent of the Catholic Church attacking Galileo. Myth and superstition have no place superseding science on matters so critical to human physical and mental health.

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Still out of the loop

A week and a half later and I am still out of the loop. Neither of my boys is really talking to me at all. My wife relays occasional things, such as their desire to meet with my gender therapist and ask questions but they don’t come to me personally.

Other things have happened as well that concern me. One day my wife is talking about saving our marriage and the next she is talking about finding legal mediation about how we will split up “just in case”. I ask her to talk to me and she doesn’t want to discuss these issues without a therapist present, yet she drills me to speak up whenever she thinks I’m holding something back. It’s very confusing.

The one thing I’ve accomplished that was wholly unintended is that the entire rest of my family has returned to church, ostensibly to pray for me despite me telling them that I still feel secure in my personal walk with God.

My wife went to another gathering at my son’s house last night. She saw that I was disturbed about this and quipped “You never played board games with them before so why the glum face?” I was taken aback by this because in the past I would go over there for dinner, to chat, and then possibly leave earlier when people began playing cards or board game. I don’t play those sorts of games because, with my degree of hearing loss, I can never follow what’s going on what with all the shouting and multiple people speaking concurrently. The difference now is that I am totally not welcome. It’s not a matter of going for part or all of the activities or politely declining. It’s a matter of actively being not wanted in a particular space.

And yet there is nothing else that I can do other than give them time, just like I am giving my brother time, as I wrote to him yesterday as well. The issue is getting “out there” but it’s been rough going so far. I am just blessed to have at least a few close friends who are not judgmental. I will hold to that and hope for the best.

Note: As a followup to this, my brother replied, is surprised of course, but completely accepting of me. I needed this today. And he’s confident my other siblings will understand as well. I can’t describe how good that made me feel.

Six Days Later

It’s now been almost a week since I came out to my adult children. My grandchildren are now apparently no longer considered safe around me and I’ve been cut off from them. My daughter sends me messages but the boys have been nearly silent. My eldest did call and ask about seeing a movie this coming weekend but that was it, no chatter, no talk. It feels like he is going through the motions. My younger son called for his mother and when I answered the phone there was a notable pause before he spoke again, asking if she were there. When I said no and asked if I could pass on a message, he indicated not. I then said I would tell her he called and at that point he hung up.

Today twice I went to enter my own bedroom and was chased out by my wife. The first time she was writing, keeping a journal that I apparently wasn’t supposed to know about. The second time she was on the phone with someone and gave me the nastiest look I can ever recall getting from her in all our years together. She keeps saying that no one is talking behind my back or plotting against me and I want to believe that but this isolation is wearing thin and her own actions now make me question things. What needs to be hidden from me so completely?

I’m beginning to think that I’m eventually going to have to consider moving out on my own or go crazy from the latent hostility and isolation from those I was closest to before this. The funny thing is that I am still the same person I was before I revealed my innermost self to them, yet that revelation has completely altered all our relationships and I am not the one that has changed. I’ve not begun hormones yet, nor extensively altered my physical appearance, yet just telling them the truth has caused them to harden their hearts towards me.

I’m left disappointed in ways that surprise me. Transgenders are often told that the worst discrimination comes from immediate family. It certainly seems true in this case.

Fallout

After talking to them the other day, my kids got together at my eldest son’s house last night to talk. Around 11pm or so (give or take a bit, I don’t recall), they called and asked my spouse to go over. I was specifically asked not to come.

She got home after I was in bed so we didn’t chat much then. And this morning, I got up to do my Saturday electrolysis appointment. When I got back home around 11am, no one was here. She had left a note saying she had gone to breakfast with my daughter.

Shortly after this my eldest son called and asked to come over. Initially, he tried to browbeat me a bit with how much pain I was going to be causing everyone else. When he saw that wasn’t working, he informed me that I “better” be sure that I took care of my spouse, in what felt like a threatening tone. I sat him down and informed him of a lot of things that he probably never knew and told him it was never my intent to leave her but that if she leaves me, it’s her choice and he better remember that.

He then informed me that I was not welcome to see his children (my grandchildren) anymore at all under any circumstances. He said he “might” change his mind later but gave no promises. He then informed me that he has never seen my youngest son this angry before and that neither my youngest son nor his spouse had any wish to speak to me again, at least at the current time. Finally, he let me know that my daughter, while still supporting me, is very confused and struggling with all this (which I knew).

I asked specifically about their spouses and he reiterated that my youngest son’s wife is very upset and does not want to talk to me. My daughter’s husband is taking things calmly and is mostly concerned about my daughter. My eldest son’s wife is alternately crying and in shock. I’m curious about why this is such a bad thing for her but I doubt I’ll get a clear answer about that.

So today is a lousy day and it’s going to be a lousy week. Oh, my son also informed me that he invited a common friend over and told him everything too without giving me a chance to come out to that friend. And further, my son demanded that I talk to my next younger brother “soon” or he would. While he claims he wants to maintain a relationship between us, it was obvious there was a lot of hostility there.

I’m expecting my daughter to cave under familial pressure and restrict me from seeing her children as well. I hope I am wrong about that. Thinking back, the last thing I got to do with my son’s and my daughter’s children was to watch the movie “Brave” together while holding the youngest one in my lap. That movie will always hold a special place for me because of that.

Coming out to adult children

The day before yesterday I came out to my adult children. The reactions were ones of shock, to a degree but mixed after that. All of them were initially confused and I tried to answer what questions I could.

My eldest son emphasized that he’d looked up to me all his life and that he’d learned honor and dedication to his spouse from me. He then chastised me for all the pain and embarrassment I was going to cause others. I didn’t retaliate or push back with the pain and shame I’ve lived with my entire life. I doubt he would have heard what I said anyway.

My youngest son listened for a while then exploded in anger at me, calling me the most selfish person he’s ever met and verbally blasting me between invoking God and using expletives to make his point. It wasn’t a pretty or friendly sight and he sat there and seethed afterwards until they all agreed to leave.

My daughter was the most gracious. She emphasized that she still loves me, loves both myself and my spouse as her parents, and expressed her concern for her mother. After the boys left she stayed, hugged me, and we even talked about clothes as I showed off a few of my things to her.

All of this was last night. Today she sent me a text message just to say she loves me. My eldest son came by and took my wife to breakfast. When he returned, he didn’t bother coming in to say hello.

I’m afraid that my youngest son and his spouse are going to cut me off entirely. I fear I may not get to speak to him or her much at all going forward, except when they feel it is necessary. My eldest son I am less certain about but I fear that he too is going to slide away from me and distance himself from me but that remains to be seen.

I also came out via email to a longtime friend. She was both surprised but supportive and happy for me. I’ve known her for many years and though she lives several states away, I’ve always felt that she was someone trustworthy. My instincts were not wrong this time. That brings to two the number of close female friends who I’ve revealed myself to and who have accepted me.