Of Nerve Endings, and Random Sensations, Coupled Against Unlikely Future Probabilities.

When I came out to my spouse in 2012, I knew the risks. Part of me held to some silly vain stupid hope that my marriage could be salvaged. Part of me wanted to believe that she and I, we, were better than that. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have even given the tiniest spark to such vain hopes. I didn’t choose to end that marriage. She did, no matter what she claims to the contrary. She’s the one that laid down the ultimatum of “transition, and we’re done”.

But I saw this exactly like I saw my fight against cancer in 1996. I had a great medical team, therapists, doctors, endocrinologists, and they all agreed that my health and well being were best served by transitioning. So with great reluctance I began that process, and I spent two months crying myself to sleep in 2012, grieving for my marriage. There’s lots I could say that I learned here about how others felt about me, but I don’t want to focus on such negatives, so I won’t.

Throughout my transition, up to now, this point, after having had GCS, I’ve been celibate and not actively looking at the dating community at all. I am aware that there is an entire fetish subculture that chases pre-op and non-op trans women as “chicks with dicks”. If you don’t like that phrase, it’s the ugly reality of how our society views pre-op and non-op trans women. It’s ugly. The woman is viewed as a “thing” and she’s used as a thing. The complete epitome of male sexual objectification of women occurs in the trans “chaser” community and how they treat those women.

For that reason alone, I stayed out of the dating pool. And because I was technically still married. It’s just a marriage of tax convenience but this too will end soon enough. But now GCS is done. And things are changing. I’m still a long ways off from being a responsive sexual partner to someone, but the nerves are beginning to wake up.

And wake up, do they! Random firings all over the place. An electric shock sensation that would make me leap out of bed except certain sutures are pretty sore at the moment. Random neural firings just all over the place.

Of course, then there’s dilation too. I’m not very far along on this yet but already I’m discovering that certain sensations are pleasant, that they even make me wonder what certain experiences would ultimately be like.

And that leads to day dreams. I suppose many women, trans or not, dream of finding Mr. Right (and some of finding Ms. Right). I admit to such thoughts, such dreams. But I also admit to the cold reality that trans acceptance among those my age, late 50s give or take a few years, is pathetically, horribly low. And that’s where day dreams snap back to reality. Within all probability, my remaining years will be spent alone, fending off dates from men who want nothing but sex, with almost zero chance of finding that person who wants a relationship, a friendship, a sexual intimacy, all together with a person with whom they could spend the rest of their life.

Could it happen? Yes, the odds are not zero. But will it? The odds are not good and I know this. It crosses my mind every single day. And I knew this going into transition and still chose transition, because the alternative was to die.

When people say trans people have a “choice”, it’s not much of a choice when the choice is between finally being yourself or dying. Yet I know people who would have preferred I had killed myself. Unfortunately for them, I chose life, even if that turns out to be a life alone.

In the meanwhile, I have close friends, supportive friends. Two of my three children accept me and want me involved more in their lives. I have nieces, nephews, a sister-in-law all who support me and eagerly want to see me again. It’s been a few too many years since I was back to Ohio.

What I plan to do is live my life. I’ll be open to that day that Mr. Right walks into my life but I won’t pine away wondering if or when he ever will. If it happens, good. And if not? Someone lost a chance to find out how much this trans woman could value a life partner.

The odds aren’t good but if I don’t play the game, I can never win, right?


8 thoughts on “Of Nerve Endings, and Random Sensations, Coupled Against Unlikely Future Probabilities.

  1. I don’t think its a stupid vain hope that your marriage would survive you coming out to your spouse. It is natural to have hope that things would work out. To me it what gives me the strength to make tough choices like you did of coming out to your spouse.

    I think its the same thing as going on the dating scene and finding Mr. Right. If you don’t have hope that you will find Mr. Right then what is the point of playing the game? You need hope that you will find Mr. Right despite the odds so you can deal with and get through all the Mr. Wrongs that come before Mr. Right.

    But what you said is so true. The only thing that is certain is that if you don’t play the game then you will never win and find Mr. Right. Its a gamble with a huge risk playing with those odds, but you have to be willing to step up to the table and make the wager to get the payoff.

    • Very true about the odds, hence the choice to “play”. I don’t have to like how the game is rigged, or the hand I was dealt, but it is the only game in this life so it’s play, or give up, and I’m not ready to give up.

  2. I am new to you and your blog but thought I would send you my best wishes. You see, I am 53, still married and together (but without the intimacy we had) AND I will be recovering at the Cottages after a visit to Dr Chettawut in late November! Funnily enough, I paid a visit to Dr Cardenas and stayed with Vincente last November.
    When I commenced my transition I was aware that I might end up alone. I also made the decision that if that happened, it wouldn’t be because I shut myself away which was happening pre-transition. It is pretty much a “let the dice roll” situation. I am far happier now and hope to be even happier.
    All the best with your continued recovery.

  3. You can’t presume she left you to spite you or that she would rather you be dead. You made your choice to transition and she made her choice not to be married to another woman. If I were you, I would stop making her wrong, wish her well and move on.

    • You are the one assuming, Deanna. I left the statement vague because I had no plans to drag this up again, but just to correct you, your WRONG assumptions, your JUDGMENTAL leap to conclusion, I wasn’t even referring to my ex-spouse. I was referring to my eldest son, who said, and I quote, “You should have killed yourself. It would have been easier on all the rest of us.”

      So, Deanna, before you go LEAPING to conclusions yet again, you might want to consider that if something is vaguely written, maybe it would be better to leave it that way, than ASSUME and make an ass out of yourself.

  4. Yes, I could have been more empathetc. I will only admit in this instance than I was not hearing it the way you intended not be cause I was jumping to conclusions but because I did not have all of the information that you are telling me now, after I responded and not before. I think it would have better to not have said anything rather than to be vague because being vague is often the cause of many a misunderstanding. Peace sister.

  5. *
    Cara, I appreciate your honesty sharing all that you posted here – at this page and throughout your site.

    You, indeed, posted early in your web-site that your wife laid down her ultimatum to you – that if you transition, then she will divorce you. Accepting that as fact, you took your wedding vows seriously (‘… for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.’) while your wife was thinking, ‘WTF, I’m outta here at the first sign of inconvenience.’ With honest vows, there should not have been any ‘risk’ of a failed marriage; unfortuneately, the failure rate in our culture is generally considered at 60%. Marriage requires the two partners, and has little chance when one partner’s primary move is to abandon the marriage at the slightest difficulty, such as your wife’s.

    In the dark days before marriage equality, the force of law broke up even the best of marriages; furthermore, weaker marriages failed when stronger marriages at least continued ‘in sin’. Nowadays, it seems there is little reason for spouses to separate in divorce when their marriage can remain intact. The reason remains that here in your marriage one spouse (your wife) chose to abandon your marriage despite one spouse (namely you, Cara) who apparently preferred the marriage continue (if I may take to understand that as your position, Cara).

    In our personal times of crises, we learn exactly who is with us and who finds the nearest exit. That test is an eye-opener even for the best of us. You, Cara, may have lost your wife and one son, but in reading you (e.g., your web-site and Facebook pages), you have a bounty of family and friends who are more than ready, willing, and eager to step up and fill the voids for the heart-ache of what ceases to exist. I expect that you and your faithfull know because I read the joy for appreciating all who stayed with you during the course of your writing.

    Your personality shows your commendability. Yes, you could easily have re-entered the dating scene – whether a girlfriend or boyfriend – and violate your vows. Or you could have joined into that ‘c-w-d’ sub-culture. Those choices bring ramifications that would have hastened the destruction of your marriage and family. You chose not to do anything other than keep your focus on your family and your own well-being to hold your family intact as best as possible for as long as possible under the circumstances. Again, you up-held your vows with your fullest sincerity.

    You posted your concern not finding a partner. Yep, sadly the bulk of men out there – while eagerly interested in the ‘c-w-d’ version – suddenly lose interest when you are now just a real woman with real emotions and real feelings with the desire for a real relationship. My hope is that you are well-prepared – I expect so considering ‘Team Cara’ has done so well from the start. You have a firm base of family and friends who will work their way to play match-maker for you – they will help you find real people seeking you as their real partner for a real relationship. Not bad for a happy ending awaiting you.

    You have not held back these past few years, there’s no point shrinking from life when it all lays before you at your feet. Your inner Barbarian Warrior Princess is preparing to blaze your trail leading to reward you for your diligent effort. Free drinks all around! Huzzah!

    You will make someone a very fine partner and your soon-to-be ex-wife will be at the loss of your gain.

    PS: Add my two cents about the way to operate your new equipment. R E L A X. Explore. Let those new senses flow. You will enjoy all that comes with your new equipment soon enough.


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