It’s December again, a time of year that used to bring more smiles to my face than others. But now not so much. There are three grandchildren that I once again will not see this Christmas. And there is the memory of my mother, gone on December 10th, 2012, but it still feels like yesterday. That ache is still there. That hole is still there. I miss you, mom, but I know you loved me and would want me to get on with my life.
I am also amused, because someone reblogged one of my blog entries about the neurobiological basis of being trans. From there that post got onto Facebook. From Facebook, it seemed to spread pretty quick elsewhere! And because of that, let me say welcome to all the new folks following my blog. Thanks for reading about the thoughts and life events of one woman as she struggles to really find herself.
I went to the TG pot luck this year here in Houston. It was busy, and noisy, thus hard for me to interact with very many people due to my hearing issues. Yet a few made the effort and tried. I appreciated that. It was pleasant and thoughtful of them to do so.
But if I am honest with myself, this December is better than so many prior Decembers in so many ways that it is hard to describe. So I view this month with a kind of joy, tempered by my mother’s memory and three grandchildren who will no longer know me.
And yet I wouldn’t change anything of the last 31 months at this point either. To even be here, living, breathing, and not have wrapped myself around a concrete abutment at 130 mph as I once planned makes me smile. My spiritual sisters make me smile, and laugh! Being pushed out of my comfort zone by those who love me, and who seem to know just how hard to push or not push makes me happy.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could snap my fingers and be done with this, be finished with all the medical aspects of transitioning and then just live my life. I’m even developing plans for what to do after I’m done transitioning! But the process itself is bringing me precious beautiful memories, moments that brought me to joyful tears, and knowledge that I am loved and accepted. When I stop and realize that, the trials of transitioning turn out to have hidden rewards of their own. I’m following the yellow brick road, and while I wish I could click my heels three times and be done, it’s actually turning out to be better for me to walk that road first.
To each of you I wish Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Yule, Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever other holiday wish is appropriate to you and yours this month. I pray that 2014 was kind to each of you and that 2015 will bring each of you blessings in abundance.