Thoughts in Mid-August

Today’s entry is a little more mundane. On Monday, August 11th, I came out at work to my co-workers. HR and my boss have been with me for this ride for a few months now as things have slowly moved forward. With that milestone now achieved, the next step is to see a lawyer and get the legal name and gender change done via the courts. I’ve waited this long for various reasons but now the reasons to wait are gone and over. All that remains is saving up the fees necessary for court and the lawyer and off we go, hopefully in late September or early October. Once that is done, update driver’s license, social security, then update work records at which point I will be allowed to present female full time at work.

Of course it won’t end there. There will be bank accounts, credit cards, bills, and other accounts that all need changed. I half wonder how people will take it when I change my name and gender on LinkedIn. There are a lot of former co-workers who I’ve not informed who are connected to me on LinkedIn these days. And then there’s the old Facebook account. Do I close it entirely? Keep it to keep an eye open towards old school friends from years ago when I was younger? I’ve only come out to a handful of those with whom I grew up, aside from my siblings. I’ll probably let that account sit quietly but I reserve the right to change my mind.

Progesterone continues to apparently work its magic slowly. I doubt I’ll ever have a big bust line but I’m very much filling an A cup now. I’d be really happy with a B cup and ecstatic with a C but I don’t think C is a reasonable expectation. After being lazy most of the summer, I’ve begun a dedicated walking program on the treadmill in the evenings. My goal is to get back to 170 (I was 173 recently) then begin losing weight down to about 155. If I can lose 1-2 pounds per month I can be there by next summer. I just need to keep working out. Once I’ve been walking again for a few weeks, I’ll begin adding some P-90 workouts to my regimen as well.

After the legal work comes looking for the stem cell treatment for my scalp to help further with hair regrowth, then all my savings will be either towards finishing facial hair removal or towards GRS. It now looks very unlikely that I will be able to get this done via insurance so now Thailand becomes a very attractive alternative destination.

I sort of have a dream and I don’t know if I can achieve it, but that dream is a B cup or C cup, lose enough waist to get down to about 28 inches there, enough of my own hair back that I don’t need to wear a wig (though I’d still likely do so in certain situations), after GRS to find the perfect grape colored one piece swimsuit. I’ve often dreamed of walking up to people I used to know on a beach somewhere and just saying hi, then watching the confusion. I’ve had even more wicked thoughts that amuse me to no end but I won’t post them here. My closest friends know about them.

I was recently asked a question, when did I know I couldn’t go back to “him”? Honestly, it was when I told my spouse, I knew where I was going. I had already looked over the precipice and almost ended it all before and I didn’t want to go back down that road. I knew where that road ended. But if I had ever had second thoughts, those second thoughts were destroyed forever by those who once said they loved me. When they were done, there was no “him” to return to, as they had turned their backs on me, spoke about me behind my back, and taken my grandchildren from me as well. You might say that their hatred, bigotry, and cruelty sealed the deal, nailed the door shut, and built a brick wall to hide the door. My happiness is with other people now. My happiness is forward.

As for everyone else, it’s been reassuring to experience so many supportive people in my life – friends, siblings, co-workers. That one disappointment remains my own children, and wondering what I did that they turned out like this.

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts in Mid-August

  1. *
    You are SO fortuneate working at an employer who accepts you. That is rare even in 2015. Your advantage being public is that whispers at work become nearly non-existant except by the creepiest who lack manners; they are probably at a minimum with your employer.

    Have fun in a good way when / if you do approach someone from your past who does not know your change. Strike up a conversation; wait to see how long they catch on. They might not. Sex change is not at the top of everyone’s list when they are fumbling to figure why you seem so familiar but they can’t place you.

    Are you on a mix of Estrogen and Progesterone? Birth control pills provide that combination. Development depends upon your age and your prescription. Purple Premarin? Yellow? Or generic (Blue? Green?). Do you spread your dose throughout the day or all at once? Those tinglings are fun, aren’t they. Sometimes they’ll happen suddenly and you’ll go ‘WHOO!’.

    That also means serious business – self examination. You are now susceptible to all the same maladies as any other woman. Christine Jorgensen had breast cancer when she died at age 62 in 1989.

    I’m reading backwards chronologically so I’m guessing you started hormones three years ago. Depending upon your estrogen receptor sites and dosage, you should be at ‘B’ by 2015. Actually, if you have minimal amounts of body fat, then you might have lesser development. Just know that augmentation can go really bad no matter how good the surgeon. (I worked medical insurance utilisation review for three years and saw so many cases of failed augmentation, leakage, movement.) They are only temporary – you’ll need them removed in a few years. Another option is fat re-distribution. This is as much a serious decision as the big one.

    Have you tried the laser ‘comb’ that helps restore hair? I know people who have used it successfully. How about Bosley replants? This goes beyond my knowledge … Can Bosley transplant body hair to your scalp? (Or is it too late and yours is all gone?) ‘Your results may vary’. AGH! This is where your regrets not starting sooner hit reality. You probably had good hair at age 30. My empathies to you. Have you tried phyto-estrogens? Rosemary or pennyroyal tea might help if applied to your scalp. Discuss with a herbalist and your doctor.

    My endocrinologist also prescribed estrogen cream for my face during electrolysis. You will use that cream for other purposes soon enough.

    I’m glad that you found your ‘happiness is forward’. I can’t recall it, but there is a famous JFK quote about looking forward to the future rather than looking backward to the past.

    You have your daughter (as you posted) who stands with you; you are good that you cherish her. The others who hurt you – go figure. They might come around when it is too late – it will be their problem and not yours.

    *

    • I am an A cup even approaching 3 years so I’ve made my mind up to go ahead with the BA. I have a lot of faith in Dr. Chettawut’s team based on other women who have done BA and SRS there.

      As for the hair situation, I’ve consulted specialists, hair restoration surgeons, and the total damage from chemotherapy 20 years ago is just massive and has shown no signs of correcting at all. I’ve got maybe 3000-4000 grafts available for transplant but I need close to 10,000 to get anything even close to normal hair, so that’s not happening with current technology.

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