I don’t exist.

It’s the day after Christmas and I don’t exist. I don’t exist to my sons. I don’t exist to their spouses. I don’t exist to their children.

I’m left to ponder exactly what I did wrong as a parent that I could create two such monsters, so cold, so cruel, so uncaring. No card, no phone call, not even an email or a Facebook post. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Of course, they had their mother over on Christmas eve for hours of family fun and companionship. But not me. Not me.

The sun is bright outside on this December 26th but it is cold in here today, and dark. And no, before anyone worries, I am not that despondent. I won’t hurt myself.

My daughter came by last night, to drop off her gifts to me, to give me a hug, and then to leave. I cried, both at the thought that she had to come visit me like some leper, and that my sons had not a single thought of me this holiday season.

I never closed the door on our relationship. My sons did that. Their choice. And I would forgive them in an instant if they wanted to re-open that door.

But I’m also learning that I need to move on, to stop staring at that closed door, to make new friends, to find new family. It’s time to walk away from that closed door, to turn my back on it, to let it go.

Yet even as I walk away, I will continue to wonder, how can anyone be this cold, this callous, this cruel to another human being? I guess I’ll never know.


3 thoughts on “I don’t exist.

  1. What did you do wrong as a parent? Nothing. My parents ask the same thing, what did they do wrong that I turned out such a liberal, crazy transgender person. Same thing for them, they didn’t do anything wrong. Different people will always have different views no matter who raises them and no matter how they are raised. Don’t base your quality as a parent or person on how your children act. You’re a wonderful human being, no matter what type of person they treat you like.

  2. Thank you. Little reassurances mean so much when you’re feeling down because of how others have treated you. I appreciate your comment more than I know how to say.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s