Letting go. It seems I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Letting go of my children, some of whom don’t even want to know me anymore. Letting go of my mother, who died a year ago but whose passing seems as fresh as yesterday. Letting go of the illusions that I wove around myself to fit into the expectations of society.
But one thing I’ve not been able to let go of is my desire to see my grandchildren. Even as that is denied, I continue to hope and pray that the situation will eventually change. Yet even as I hope and pray, I know that I should not expect it in the least, that the likelihood is utterly small, and that I should never expect to see those children ever again.
Perhaps that is what makes this so hard. I had no choice but to let go of mom. Her death took her from us. But then there are my grandchildren. I probably focus on them far too much. I probably think about them more than I should. Little Emma is growing up. Kaiti is becoming a young woman. And I’ve been severed from them both, for no rational or medical reason.
I’m learning to let go, at least of some things. And I’ll keep moving forward with my life. But there are also some things which, for better or worse, I don’t intend to let go of ever.