I’m moving through my transition at a nice slow pace, which has been deliberate for a number of reasons. I’m still targeting next summer to go fulltime, partly because of all the wackiness my endo and I have been through with my t-levels, partly due to finances, and partly for other various reasons. So I’m happy at the progress I am making, slow though it may be at times. And I simply was not seeing myself as female on some days though on others, I definitely get that feeling.
Anyway, my spouse and I went to lunch at this tiny Italian place. I was wearing a compression shirt that is beginning to fail at the task assigned to it, a very loose t-shirt, a pair of women’s jeans, my favorite feminine black cap, and of course earrings that aren’t too loudly female. My hair is shoulder length and tied back in a pony tale and the cap hides the male pattern baldness problem on top when I’m not wearing a wig. I’ve taken to shaving with a new razor lately, a three bladed razor instead of the old dual and it really has been giving me a nice close shave so the beard is less visible plus I think the higher estrogen dosage my endo prescribed last month is having a small effect on the facial hair too. (E3000 appointment in 2 more months!)
So there we are in the Italian restaurant. I admit it was a wee bit dark and after the waiter takes my spouse’s order, I get “And you, ma’am?” I don’t blink but instead I place my order. I’ve been working on using my voice with male resonance minimized, which raises the pitch a bit, though not sufficiently for my taste, due to that darned paralyzed vocal cord, and he doesn’t bat an eye. He walks off and I grin. My spouse looks at me funny, and I say, “I think I just mis-heard the waiter.” She says, “No you didn’t. He said ma’am when talking to you.” He comes back, brings our iced teas, and says, “Your orders will be out shortly, ladies.”
Needless to say, I was grinning ear to ear. I did not expect that quite yet! Even being rationally fully aware that I need to be accepting of myself first and foremost, there’s a small sense of satisfaction when someone else sees you as you wish to be seen.
As a side note for seeing what we want to see, my youngest son, despite knowing that I am trans, upon seeing my hair back in a ponytail and the earrings said I should “grow a goatee” to complete the “biker” look. It’s interesting to see how expectations form opinions versus the absence thereof. Exact same visual image – my son sees a male “biker” and a waiter who doesn’t know me sees a woman. Overcoming first impressions can take more work than making good first impressions. Food for thought. 🙂