Into the Literal “No Man’s Land”

As my transition proceeds, my body continues to slowly, slowly adapt to HRT and the presence of estrogen instead of testosterone. I’m definitely much happier and calmer but the physical effects are slowly coming to light as well.

Case in point – I went to Dairy Queen with my spouse. We did this on a spur of the moment so I exited the house in very typical androgynous mode, with two exceptions – no compression shirt under my t-shirt and I didn’t tie my hair back into a pony tail. So my budding breasts would be visible at certain angles depending how the t-shirt fell against my chest and my hair from the rear had a definite feminine take on it. As usual I wore a cap because the hair loss on top annoys me to no end when out in public.

We arrived at Dairy Queen and there was a family of four inside. The two kids, both teens, didn’t bat an eye at me but the mother looked at me sort of oddly once that I noticed. Then I caught the father glancing at me repeatedly as if trying to figure out exactly what he was looking at.

Then another man and his son entered. Again the teen boy glanced at me and didn’t appear to take further notice but the man stood there repeatedly looking at me and not just at my face. When I noticed this, I turned and smiled nicely at him and he looked away. I then wandered over to the frozen treats display and looked into the glass to see him watching me yet again. I turned then, looked at my spouse, accepted my treat from the guy behind the counter as he finished making it, and then smiled at the guy one more time. He scowled at me, apparently unsure and threatened by my clearly ambiguous sexuality.

At that point my spouse and I both laughed and proceeded to leave. She had seen what had happened and was halfway amused.

Note to those wondering – yes we are still going to divorce. We remain friends. She’s just a heterosexual woman and doesn’t want to be married to another woman. That’s her choice, after all and I respect that. But we still do things together while she’s going back to school to refresh her skills before re-entering the workplace.

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4 thoughts on “Into the Literal “No Man’s Land”

  1. I’m happy to see your growth in the past year from ” I’m trying to accept that my medical condition is the cause of my marriage being over. ” till now. A spouse that chooses to leave does not have to be evil. Many that stick are really going above and beyond any kind of agreement they could have possibly considered on their wedding day. Being friendly and having a relationship doesn’t mean one should automatically give up their own identity for the one transitioning.

    I really think as there is more acceptance and less conflict in your own life, that some of this driving conflict will go away. And I really do wish that for you and everyone.

    • My spouse has not been a major problem other than emotionally for me, and me going through that grieving process. She has too and finally appears to have reached some resolution late in April this year. But that’s not the major source of conflicts in my life. It was simply something that caused me great pain. A lot of my blog entries deal with that pain, as an outlet that my therapist recommended I use for capturing that and being able to later look back.

      My primary conflicts are with my eldest son who adopted a rigid religious extremist world view that identifies me (and you) as “sick in the head” and as “perverts”, to a lesser extent with my youngest son who is coming around slowly, and finally with my spouse’s family, who harass both me and her over my choice to seek treatment for my condition. They too are radical right wing religious extremists. Now I don’t mind them living their life as they please, but harassing us or my son choosing to isolate my granddaughters from me is nothing but hateful and spiteful.

      In addition to this, I see a great deal of hateful and spiteful commentary throughout Texas, including by politicians who openly have expressed having an axe to grind against people like you and me. Now I could move, but I shouldn’t have to move, especially when my daughter and her children (with whom I am close) are here also.

      Thankfully, I work for a corporation that has a strong “zero tolerance” policy on harassment and discrimination towards GLBT individuals so that hasn’t been an issue yet, nor do I expect it to be precisely because I work from home primarily and my managers are all very happy with my contributions over the last few years. In fact, starting HRT improved my ability to concentrate and focus on work problems a great deal so what was already considered a good performance was recently appraised as an excellent performance.

      But I also am involved with TG youth outside my home. And there I continue to see the worst sort of horrors from open bigotry towards trans people. I simply will not tolerate that.

      Martin Luther King said two things with which I firmly agree:

      “The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.”

      and:

      “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”

      I agree with those positions and will not sit by while I or others experience such discrimination. The days of “flying under the radar” or trying to just “get by” are over and we can’t go back.

      • I hope your son comes around. That has to suck. I can’t even imagine what that would feel like.

        So far, I’ve had lost contact with a gay man and an agnostic feminist. But neither were close family.

        My kids are too young to care.

        As a parent, I have to advocate for my special-needs child. The public schools have the resources for a child like mine, but are over crowded while the private school he’s at gives him much needed personalized attention but doesn’t have money for some of the tools needed.

        This is real to me.

        I have yet to hear of a single freedom that *I* have given up when I started to come out to people that would cause me to divide my resources.

      • Any normal parent’s children come first. For the parent of a special needs child the burden must be even heavier.

        As for me, I’ve not lost anyone really dear to me aside from my sons, nor have I personally yet been impacted by anything negative. But that loss has been painful enough in that I’ve lost not just my sons, but their spouses and their children (my grandchildren) which is what really hurts me the most. They’re adults and I can’t make them accept me but keeping their kids from seeing a grandparent who dearly loves them? This is “love” in their book? It makes me sad thinking about it.

        But I do see the impacts of losses regularly, particularly with homeless trans kids, and with adults who’ve come out and been fired from their jobs. As a parent, seeing a kid, even someone else’s kid, on the street not because they wanted to be but because their parents threw them out just breaks my heart. We have far too many trans people who have lost jobs and far too many trans homeless kids who come through the Houston TG center.

        I briefly placed one of my granddaughters in private school, for three years. She is not special needs but had a horrible first grade year when her mother divorced her father, a military vet who had severe PTSD issues that led to drinking and drugs. For the next few years, they lived with us and we paid to put her through private school which allowed her to catch up academically. The public school was just going to let her float. When her mother married, she was ready to enter junior high and did so at a public school and has done well since then consistently.

        Finding the right resources for our children can be a consuming thing. I wish you luck in finding what you need for yours. It was challenge enough for us for a normal child. I can only imagine how much more challenging finding all the right resources for a special needs child must be.

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