My spouse has been out of town for several weeks visiting family elsewhere. And during this time I came to a startling realization – I am as alone today as I am when she has been here anytime over the last few decades. To be honest, that loneliness has been my own fault, due to the wall I erected around me to keep me safe from the world. It has only been in the process of beginning my transition that the wall has begun to come down. I won’t kid myself and claim it’s all the way down nor do I expect it to ever be all the way down. But now, unlike before, I am actually letting some people see inside that wall for more than just a tiny glimpse.
Realizing that I’ve hidden behind this wall all these years makes me also realize that I’ve not truly lived life but instead existed day to day. I need to reach out more, exist less, and live more. Learning to do that will undoubtedly come in fits and starts. This is one of the things that I suspect older trans folk discover – learning how to not hide from ourselves. It also makes me wonder what a relationship would be like if I could be truly open and honest with someone. At my age, I don’t expect to be fortunate enough to find out but I’ll never say never.
I am also finding that my outlook is slowly changing, from one of a “glass half empty” to a “glass half full” perspective. Part of this is, I believe, the effects of estrogen on the brain and finally getting the right “fuel” rather than the wrong fuel. The random rage episodes seem gone. I worry less. And I am thankful for more small things than I ever remember being.
This makes me miss my mother even more. Was it just last December that she was taken away from us? I regret never being able to come out to her. I really believe that she would have understood and been accepting, after getting over the initial shock.
All of this makes me wonder how much more my perspectives will change as time passes and I become more and more at peace with myself finally. I hope the last 30 or so years of my life are more than the prior 30 years of mere existence.