I’ve come to realize that my bargaining over this was a desperate attempt to preserve my marriage. Intellectually, I’d been preparing myself for that moment but emotionally I was not prepared at all. Worse, in allowing my feminine side out, I was crying more and letting my emotions run harder than they had run in years.My emotional distress overtook me and I allowed myself to consider things that are not healthy for me.
Because, in bargaining, I had immediately laid the groundwork for future resentment, anger, and frustration of me towards her. While I want to stay together with my spouse, I also have to realize that it is wrong of me to expect her to change, that I should not push for it, and that I need to accept her as she is, even if this means we have to go our separate ways.
I am closing that intellectual and emotional gap now and finding myself more at peace emotionally as well as intellectually. I am also realizing that moving on with my life is not the end of the world. It will hurt and it will continue to hurt for quite some time but I need to be able to let her go if that is what is best for both of us. The only reason to stay together is if my spouse would want all of me, the authentic me, as one friend put it. Anything else would be continuing to live a lie.