Facing the end of all things, suddenly compromise is in the air.

My spouse suddenly has been willing to discuss compromise. In the end, I’d be making the larger sacrifice by foregoing hormones and eventually surgery but I’d still get to express myself as Liz and go out in public (but without her) as Liz. At least that was the discussion yesterday.

Today she wants more from me. Not to go out in public except to my transgender meetings. Not to meet with other people and build friendships as Liz. I told her that was not acceptable and I could not do that. I reaffirmed my love for her and that my preference would be to spend the rest of my life with her but if there is no place for Liz in this life then my male self can’t be here either.

I’m wondering if talk of compromise is real or just a test to see how much she can get me to give to her position. So far she’s given little ground from her “my way or the highway” position and I’m beginning to wonder if this is just a negotiating position for her. However, she did say she finally “gets it” that just dressing en femme is not enough and that I need to allow the female aspect of me a chance to express herself. If she truly understands that then she also has to understand that to disallow that strikes at the very core of who I am.

Yesterday I was optimistic that we could find a compromise acceptable to both of us even if I was the one yielding the most to make it happen. Today I am lots less optimistic. Plus she’s flying home in a few days to talk to her parents. In a move I’ve never seen her do before, she bought only a one way ticket. I’m left wondering whether I’m being told the truth or not.


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