Still out of the loop

A week and a half later and I am still out of the loop. Neither of my boys is really talking to me at all. My wife relays occasional things, such as their desire to meet with my gender therapist and ask questions but they don’t come to me personally.

Other things have happened as well that concern me. One day my wife is talking about saving our marriage and the next she is talking about finding legal mediation about how we will split up “just in case”. I ask her to talk to me and she doesn’t want to discuss these issues without a therapist present, yet she drills me to speak up whenever she thinks I’m holding something back. It’s very confusing.

The one thing I’ve accomplished that was wholly unintended is that the entire rest of my family has returned to church, ostensibly to pray for me despite me telling them that I still feel secure in my personal walk with God.

My wife went to another gathering at my son’s house last night. She saw that I was disturbed about this and quipped “You never played board games with them before so why the glum face?” I was taken aback by this because in the past I would go over there for dinner, to chat, and then possibly leave earlier when people began playing cards or board game. I don’t play those sorts of games because, with my degree of hearing loss, I can never follow what’s going on what with all the shouting and multiple people speaking concurrently. The difference now is that I am totally not welcome. It’s not a matter of going for part or all of the activities or politely declining. It’s a matter of actively being not wanted in a particular space.

And yet there is nothing else that I can do other than give them time, just like I am giving my brother time, as I wrote to him yesterday as well. The issue is getting “out there” but it’s been rough going so far. I am just blessed to have at least a few close friends who are not judgmental. I will hold to that and hope for the best.

Note: As a followup to this, my brother replied, is surprised of course, but completely accepting of me. I needed this today. And he’s confident my other siblings will understand as well. I can’t describe how good that made me feel.


One thought on “Still out of the loop

  1. *

    A cousin and I were pen-pals – we exchanged letters through the course of our world travels during our years growing up. She was perhaps the closest of all relatives; yet I felt I couldn’t quite confide in her.

    She invited me to her wedding (1984) – an all-expences-paid trip from Utah to Longview. I produced a film of her ceremony, reception, and other events during that trip as my wedding present to her (I do photography, film / videography, TV). I attended as my former male self because I had not yet come out to them. She and the family had no idea that I was already female since 1980. It would have been unfair to make a spectacle of myself when the moment was hers. She was looking in my eyes and seeing my male predecessor, yet Sharon was looking back at her.

    Perhaps she had held back her suspicions. She began mailing her religion’s anti-LGBT literature to me. She did not know any better; I took no offence. In a sense, she was mistakenly trying to convince me to not change from female to male. She then ceased corresponding with me.

    The hurt is now 30 years later. I re-discovered her through an Internet search; it is her. I sent a handfull of correspondences to her and included photographs. Instead I received a post stating that the woman I contacted is not her. I suspect it is her way to express how she wants nothing to do with me.

    PS: Stick out your pinkie then your thumb and forefinger at the same time as you keep your other two fingers folded down.


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